Thursday, May 3, 2012

Filled Under:

The voice.




Shadows of Destiny

Ya fantasy
65,000 words



When Taylor's best friend, Megan, nearly drowns in a flooded stream she knows she shouldn't have been able to save her. Only the man who comes out of nowhere to pull them both out doesn't seem very surprised by Taylor’s strength. Megan remembers nothing. Taylor can’t get it out of her head.

Convinced that this guy knows something she doesn't Taylor becomes determined to find him and the group he belongs to.  The one her father warned her about before his death. The Maaylina.

When Taylor’s powers manifest the Maaylina find her and explain it is her Destiny to join them, as a legacy. Her father was once one of them. Now Taylor will be second in line to lead this powerful and secretive race.

But even the Maaylina are hiding things from her, and Taylor is sick and tired of secrets. Determined to find the truth she looks into the Maaylina’s odd religion and finds that their belief in Destiny is deeper than she thought. They believe themselves to be the keepers of Fate, and cause accidents and disasters to the human world. They kill people.

Taylor considers them murderers and refuses to join them. The Maaylina consider her a traitor, and they have killed for much less.




Shadows of Destiny
First 250 words




Taylor took one long, deep breath before opening the door to her own personal hell.
            Two dozen heads turned as she walked in. Then the whispers began.
            "Why doesn't she just stay home?" one girl asked another.
            “I swear, I shiver every time I look into her eyes," a boy on the other side of the room said in a whisper.
            “Then don’t! I bet she’d curse you,” his friend said next to him, not bothering to keep his voice down.
            A few students laughed.
Ignoring the snickering Taylor sat at her desk and slowly pulled out an old looking envelope. Almost as old as her, she treated it as if it were made of glass. She didn't dare open it here, instead she just stared at the handwriting on the outside which simply read "Taylor."
Taylor jumped when she heard a someone grunt behind her. She turned her head to see a pretty blonde girl smiling at her.
            "Yes?" Taylor asked, realizing the girl was trying to get her attention.
            "Can I ask you a question?" she whispered.
            "Go right ahead." Taylor responded in an annoyed voice. She hardly expected a sleepover invitation.
            "What's it like having a murderer for a father?" the girl said more loudly, her smile never leaving her face.
            Taylor let out a sarcastic laugh. Knowing full well that this girl couldn't care less about the answer to that question, she was just expecting to get a few social ladder points for being so brave.
 





12 comments:

  1. "her own personal hell" did you know that the single most feared thing in the world is that of public speaking? I think you did, and you captured the sentiment nicely. Good luck!

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  2. "The Maaylina consider her a traitor, and they have killed for much less." = great closing line for the query! Good luck!

    Andrea #32

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  3. Good luck in the contest from one entrant to another! -April, #61

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  4. Hi Stacey, I'm visiting your blog from the Writer's Voice Contest (entry #58), and I wanted to wish you the best of luck! I'm also now your newest follower, so: nice to meet you!

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  5. I liked your query and the opening lines so much!! The last bit of your query had me hooked, seriously.

    Good luck in the contest!

    Summer - #40

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  6. I'm not so great at queries, so I'll leave that for everyone else.

    Your first 250: Cut adjectives. Example: "Taylor took a deep breath." Don't need long because in being deep the breath is long.

    Make narrative as intimate as possible. Example: "Taylor responded, annoyed." In an annoyed voice gives the reader a sense of being outside looking in, instead of with her, feeling her emotions.

    Good luck! #6

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  7. I like the conflict that you have created in your story. Causing accidents and disasters in the human world would be very interesting to read about, especially as we get to know why they think it's acceptable to do that. Sounds great! Good luck in the contest!

    Dani #179

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  8. I'm a big fan of strong, take-charge heroines, and Taylor sounds right up my alley! Good luck in the contest!

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  9. Love the title. Good luck!

    ~Nicole, entry 68

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  10. Thanks everyone! Nicole- I'm glad you like it, I do too (though I'd still be open to changing it). Someone recently critized it saying it was "horrid". You could at least be nice about it! ahah.

    Anyway-I have a newer query I think I like better than the one above (explains a little more). Not sure if I should post it or not. (Any judges reading, let me know if you'd like to see it!)

    Good luck to all my fellow contestants. Only about half have been chosen so far! There are sooo many good submissions!

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