Monday, October 8, 2012

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QUERY!

Here is my query for The Haunted Writing Clinic found here. http://sharonbayliss.blogspot.com/  Dun dun dun.


Dear Agent,

She’s been called a witch, a demon, the daughter of a murderer.  As a senior in high school Taylor is used to the rumors, the whispers. She knows her father was a mysterious man, but a murderer? So when her best friend nearly drowns in a flooded stream and stranger comes out of nowhere to save her, a man claiming to know Taylor’s father, she becomes desperate to find him.

Taylor follows the man into the woods. Through the trees and darkness, Taylor finds a bon fire surrounded by a group of people. People who claim to be the Maaylina, the group her father belonged to before his death. Even when her powers manifest and she learns she is second in line to rule, only behind her powerful aunt Cynthia, the Maaylina are still hiding things from her. And Taylor is tired of secrets.

She follows them to Guatemala on one of their secret “missions”. Inside a crowded airport, she watches as they climb to the rafters and cause the roof to collapse—crushing hundreds of people. In this terrifying initiation, Taylor learns the Maaylina don’t just believe in fate, they believe they are fate. They believe they are destined to cause disasters to the world.

Taylor considers them murderers and refuses to join. The Maaylina consider her a traitor, and they have killed for much less.
 
WHISPERS OF DISASTER is a 65,000 word YA fantasy novel with series potential.




10 comments:

  1. All I can see here is an itty bitty typo:

    "She follows them group..."

    Well done (in my opinion...)

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  2. I keep trying to call the Maaylina 'Maayin' (my MC), which is just confusing for me.

    Alrighty then. I'm questioning why the MC would follow first the man, then the group. She seems to be being pulled along rather than pushing. The only active thing she seems to is comes across to me as more of an "I'm out!" which, while I can get, doesn't quite endear me to the MC.
    And what about this aunt? Did she know Cynthia before this? What are her feelings there?

    One last thing: it seems to me that this is more on the vein of Urban Fantasy. True?

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  3. This is a great start. The only thing I would say is you don't want query to be exactly like a book blurb. This sets up a good reveal at the end of paragraph three. I suggest you do that at the end of paragraph one. You have some classic fiction themes going. Use that to condense the summary part. Then hit with the big guns sooner.

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  4. Stacey,

    Minion here. Love that 'they believe they are fate'. Great story.

    Sounds like you've just about got it right!

    Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hi, another minion here. I loved your last line and the idea of a story with Guatemalan culture-that seems pretty different in a good way. My only concerns were the ones Aldrea Alien mentioned. Good luck!

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  6. Hi Stacey. This is DJ from DJ's Life in Fiction. You responded to my anti-bullying idea call, but I forgot to include a box for email addresses on the form. Could you email me at

    dj (dot) reads (dot) writes @ gmail (dot) com? Thanks!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Wow, great query! 2 small typos. "And stranger" should be "And a stranger." And then, in "missions," the period should come before the last quotation mark. But that's it. Nice job!

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  8. First of all, I love your closing lines! Way to really create some heart-clenching stakes! The only suggestion I would have would be to try to condense this sentence into something that flows a bit smoother: "So when her best friend nearly drowns in a flooded stream and stranger comes out of nowhere to save her, a man claiming to know Taylor’s father, she becomes desperate to find him." I would try: "So when her best friend nearly drowns in a flooded stream and is saved by a stranger claiming to know Taylor's father, she becomes desperate to find him." Sounds like you have something very promising here and I think the query is really close! Good luck!
    -Minion Mara

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  9. Mara- That's great, advice. Thank you. Will definately change that sentence.

    And thanks to everyone else. I hate queries, at least for this novel ;-) but feels like I'm getting close to the right one. So I really appreciate the comments.

    ReplyDelete

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